Once upon a time, I sat with a therapist while serving my church mission in Russia and we talked a lot about perfectionism and suppressing my emotions for others’ sakes. Two thoughts filtered through my head when we talked about it.
- I am not a perfectionist. . . because that would mean I’m OCD. Which I’m not.
- People don’t need to know what I’m feeling if it means inconveniencing them.
She pointed out that my reaction indeed probably. . . most likely meant I had perfectionist tendencies. But they can be controlled and harnessed for my greater good. I agree with her, but there are still times I find myself caught in a loop in my head.
I tend to suppress these particular feelings causing this loop to happen:
- Loneliness
- Grief
- Inferiority
Consequently, I end up with these feelings instead:
- Anger
- Fear
- Confusion
- Apprehension
- Frustration
- Anxiety
So, I looked back on what I wrote two days ago and felt a strong mixture of loneliness, anxiety, and frustration. Not particularly a good combination, but it is a good starting point.
It’s healthy to identify what I’m feeling and lay out my concerns sequentially. It means I can assess these concerns, come up with solutions build stamina, and move beyond them.
My Loneliness
I harbor deep-rooted feelings of loneliness, especially as I grow older and remain unmarried. I don’t like to tell people, because they automatically assume I’m lonely and want to fix the problem with a million and one solutions. (I would do the same if someone else came to me. . . so I am not particularly bitter about this).
This particular type of loneliness doesn’t go away. I know this. So I find ways to build and nourish different relationships in my life.
Recently, I’ve lost good friends and relationships by no fault of my own. Marriage and life do happen, and people drift away by choice or because life gets busy. It’s hard to pick up the pieces of broken or unmendable expectations.
I do have good friends, but for the most part, they don’t live near me. And if they do, they aren’t in a position to comfort or be with me. That’s how life goes, but it’s hurting and isolating me.
So I have to find a way to fill this gap in my life.
My Anxiety
I want to do well in my job. I work hard to do well in my job. But I am constantly trying to prove I belong where I am. This is because I almost lost my job last year and lost a lot of confidence in my abilities. This may seem clique. . . but it matters to me and it’s tearing me up inside.
Plus, most of my day is taken up by my job because I do the work of two people along with everything else going on.
I also have a big calling in the church I go to and I find it hard to balance doing that calling with making time for other things in my life.
I worry I shouldn’t be in a position to feel drained, emotionally spent, or ragged because I don’t have kids and I should grit through it.
But that’s making it worse. So I need to find a way to separate the most important parts of my day with my work schedule. Because I’m tired and spent I put off things I love for another day. (Bad plan! This is a really bad plan!)
My Frustration
I don’t know where I belong really. I’m almost 33 and don’t know where to go to date besides online. (Which is like talking to robot men with faces and somewhat old pictures).
I want to be with people but feel out of place with most people my age around me. They talk about their kids, jobs, husbands. . . wives. . . basically things I can’t relate to that much.
I want to get my teaching licensure done but I still don’t know what to do. The website is made by the government so…. it’s a mess.
Most of what I do in my life I feel I need to do on my own. It’s hard to find help and if people are willing, I’m reluctant to let them because I’ve been paving the way alone for so long.
But I WANT to rely on and learn from others. However, life’s steered me in another direction towards autonomy. That is a hard habit to break all of a sudden.
I miss three of my siblings terribly, but I don’t know how to talk to them anymore. Some have cut me off, others seem unreachable.
So there you have it a small part to a larger part of what’s going on in my head. It’s a good place to launch from.
(Note: If anyone is going through similar problems, I hope you can find peace too. Life is hard, but it is beautiful as well. I’m trying to pick out the messy parts of my head to see the good parts again. Good luck to both of us.)
From the Perspective of an Old Soul 