Since coming back to Utah for my mini-vacation I’ve realized anew how complacent I’ve become with loneliness. That is an odd thing to think about, considering I work with high schoolers, have an involved calling in my church, and come from a big family.
But the more I look at it, the more I have to wonder about who I am in these crowds of people. I understand that is a very “INFJ” thing to think, but lately, it’s been on my mind quite a bit.
I look at where I’ve been, who I’ve known, what I’ve done, and everything I’ve seen and I feel a bit disconnected from most people around me.
I have close relationships with some siblings, but most of them no. I have some close friends, but they all live far away from me. I meet and talk to guys all the time, but rarely go on dates. I work with good people, but since what happened a month ago at my job I lack confidence in the relationships I built.
This has been hard to swallow, especially these last few weeks. As I went walking the other day, I thought why on earth I lived where I lived if it is so isolated from what I love: nature walking, window shopping, etc.
I thought somewhat bitterly of the job I’m in and my uncertain future there and in my career; one I never thought I would choose for myself.
I thought of my dear friend who cut me off, without giving me a reason why.
I thought of my siblings who have hurt my parents and I could barely relate to anymore.
I thought of the countless times I wished to find someone to date and marry; only to still be alone in my early thirties.
Now, I promise this isn’t a pity party about the sad state of my life. These are real, emotionally impactful aspects of my life I need to consider.
In this thought process a simple, profound thought popped into my head. If you are so dissatisfied with these circumstances what will you do to change them? That was an odd thing to think. I mean, aren’t these things out of my control?
But, these things aren’t out of my control. I have the freedom to choose how I react and act because of and despite these circumstances. I know I have a nasty habit of using black-and-white thinking. In my mind, I usually accept life is the way it is and I just need to sit with it.
I know I can’t control what other people think and do, but I can decide what I do and think.
Does this mean I suddenly feel completely satisfied with life? No. Quite the contrary. I’m still pushing through the muck in my mind and heart and pulling myself up. But, it gives me a place to go to.
I think that is why it’s important to understand what goals I have in my personal relationships and make concrete plans on what I want to do to reach those goals.
If there is anyone out there struggling with loneliness I hope you find relief and peace in time. I quite honestly relate, but not perfectly. Whatever your circumstances there will be a different answer for you than for me.
In my religion, President Nelson, who is acting head of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, said this profound statement,
Whatever questions for problems you have, the answer is always found in the life and teachings of Jesus Christ.
President Russell M. Nelson, “The Answer is Always Jesus Christ” (April 2023)
Whether you are Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, Atheist, etc. I think we all need to find those people and religious figures who speak to our souls and bring us light in hard, lonely times. For me, that is Jesus Christ. Sometimes I forget this and try to answer all these hard questions and problems alone.
Others who have touched my heart recently include Thich Nath Hahn, St. Francis of Assisi, Eknath Easwaren, my friend Erica, and Elders Philips and Piper who visited my ward a few weeks ago.
This is a bit of a garbled message, but I hope it helps someone who needs it. It’s okay to feel lonely and disconnected from other people. However, there are ways to find hope and peace despite this loneliness.
Have a wonderful Sunday wherever you are!
From the Perspective of an Old Soul 